Pale Columbia Chapter Two: "That Means You're Still Alive"

How can one explain the impossible to those unwilling to hear?

On the run from the blight, Jupiter has a surprising reunion, followed quickly by an even more surprising encounter.

As Jupiter navigates a tense new situation, Jefferson welcomes Ben Franklin and his apprentice, Fiona Pratt, to Monticello.

Wine and conversation flow freely, but something is amiss, and their revelries may soon come to an abrupt end.

PALE COLUMBIA STUDIO HEADQUARTERS

ALOYSIUS

Hello! I’m Doctor Aloysius Freeman –

ALLELLA

And I’m Professor Allella Marx-Parks –

ALOYSIUS

Welcome back to Pale Columbia. Our last episode ended with Jupiter Nameless – a mulatto slave of Thomas Jefferson –

ALLELLA

Ooooh, not the preferred nomenclature, dude. “Mulatto” comes from the Spanish for “mule.” You’re basically calling him an animal.

ALOYSIUS

That’s what they would’ve called him, dammit. What do you want me to –

ALLELLA

I’m just saying.

ALOYSIUS

There’s no time for this, Allella.We can’t afford to waste studio time on –

ALLELLA

Oh, Cassius’ll just edit this out. Ain’t that right, Cassius?

CASSIUS

You got it man.

ALLELLA

See? We’ll fix it in post. Just don’t call him a mule. In three. Two…

ALOYSIUS

With Jupiter Nameless, a multiracial person enslaved by Thomas Jefferson –

ALLELLA

There we go!

ALOYSIUS

Having encountered a horde of blighted colonists and made his escape, in the process leaving his companion, Samson, for dead. Meanwhile, Monticello had received a few new visitors of late, right Allella?

ALLELLA

That’s right. We’ll come back to Jupiter’s tale in a bit. but for now, let’s check in on Jefferson’s stately manse. Monticello had already welcomed one new arrival – the infamous slave mogul, Carmela Kaine – but there were two more just arriving. The first, you likely haven’t heard of: a nineteen-year-old printer’s apprentice by the name of Fiona Pratt. You’re more familiar with Miss Pratt’s mentor: the Founding Father by the name of Franklin. First name: Benjamin.

MONTICELLO GROUNDS

JEFFERSON

Doctor Franklin, as I live and breathe! Why, I’d wager my eyeteeth you haven’t aged a week since we last met –

FRANKLIN

Perhaps, but at my age, the days pass like dog years. Now, be a good lad and help an old man down, would you?

JEFFERSON

Of course. And might I assume this lovely specimen accompanying you –

FRANKLIN

Fiona’s my apprentice, yes, Thomas. But I’ve told her all about you, so calm your loins.

JEFFERSON

Why, Benjamin! I invite you into my home, and you repay me with calumny and aspersions? I’d hoped only that you would make introductions. She seems a fine lass, and she –

FIONA

Can introduce herself, Mister Jefferson. Fiona Pratt. And your companion?

JEFFERSON

Practiced and practical, this one is, Ben. I approve. I approve.

FIONA

Not that any approval was sought.

FRANKLIN

Fiona.

JEFFERSON

I mean only to say you seem the perfect apprentice to dear Benjamin, here. Efficient. No doubt, erudite –

FIONA

Well, I thank you, Mister Jeff –

JEFFERSON

Easy on the eye, as well.

FRANKLIN

Thomas –

KAINE

Perhaps your new guests, Jefferson, are weary from the road? Might we not relocate to somewhere less … musty?

JEFFERSON

Of course, forgive me! Benjamin, Fiona, allow me to introduce Carmela Kaine, of the Manassas Kaine's.

KAINE

Charmed, I’m sure.

JEFFERSON

Madam Kaine is here to purchase of a few of my negroes. She’d hardly settled in when word came of your approach. In my zeal to greet you, Ben, I may have pressed her into abandoning the comfort of the indoors.

KAINE

The heat is unpleasant, but I’d mostly prefer somewhere less redolent of … labor.

FIONA

I’ve heard of the Manassas Kaine's, Carmela –

KAINE

Madam Kaine, please. Miss, or mistress, if you must.

FIONA

And I’ve heard, Carmela, of your good fortune in growing your late husband’s estate.

KAINE

Yes, I’ve thrived where Thaddeus couldn’t –

FIONA

But do you mean to say you detest being in the presence of slaves, even as you draw your admittedly vast fortune from them?

KAINE

Were my livelihood built on trading cattle, Miss Pratt, should I then chew cud? If swine underpinned my fortune, would you have me muckwallow alongside them?

FIONA

These are neither cows nor sows, though, Carmela; but men. And women. So –

KAINE

Men and women with a place and a value, Miss Pratt. And seeing how Jefferson minds his house, men and women who know their station. Which is more than I can say for some.

JEFFERSON

Madam Kaine, I think, did have the right of it. It is rather hot out here. We might –

KAINE

I’ve heard tell of your efforts in support of emancipation, Franklin. Given your apprentice’s comportment, I can only assume you support the erasure of all natural hierarchies among men.

FRANKLIN

A clever acquaintance of mine did once write, “All men are created equal.” Fiona may be brash now and then, but she has a good head on her.

KAINE

I’m sure. And am I to take it you’ve no compunctions regarding what might be said of you traveling alone with a young woman?

FRANKLIN

My dear, at my age, one must be grateful when people say anything about something you’re doing, as that means you’re still alive.

JEFFERSON

Ha! Yes, well said, old friend. Now, as I was saying: Cooler environs might yield cooler heads, no? Let’s away now!

JEFFERSON

She’s a fine filly, I’ll attest, Benjamin, but I need you to corral her. I can ill afford to lose this sale on account of another of your libertine lasses.

FRANKLIN

Oh hush, Thomas. Birds must fly, fish must swim, and hens must peck. Just sit back and enjoy nature. Fiona is a fascinating specimen. And speaking of fascinating specimens, is Jupiter about? I’m of a mind to play some chess.

JEFFERSON

Ah, Jupiter. Well, I regret to inform you…

THE WILDERNESS

ALOYSIUS

Meanwhile, Jupiter had met the limits of his book learning. Avoiding roads, he’d found himself lost, incapable of navigating a –

JUPITER

Godforsaken wilderness. Come on, Jupiter! You can play a sonata and recite Hamlet simultaneously. How hard could it be to find a cardinal direction?

JUPITER

How’s the line go? “I am but mad north-north-west”? Not that I can find either. Now, the moss. It grows on which side of a tree? Who told me that? Ah. Hercules. Doubtless, now, he’s in a dozen pieces; sliced and studied to slake some sawbones’ curiosity. Could be he’s better off than me: aimless, adrift, unable to walk a road for fear of rabid horde or slave catcher. I should have grabbed a compass. Damn you, Jupiter, you should have grabbed a compass. Back at Percival’s general store. Before-- before Samson.

SAMSON

You. Shouldn’t talk. So goddamn loud Nameless.

JUPITER

Samson! How did you –

SAMSON

Shouldn’t be so loud if you ain’t trying to get caught.

JUPITER

Samson, you look a wreck. I –

SAMSON

Course I do, Nameless! You left me to die!

JUPITER

They were coming, so I –

SAMSON

Had to save your own ass, huh? Look at you. Got turned around. Ended up. Back where you came.

JUPITER

Back where I came? I’ve been walking for an eternity! The moss. I –

SAMSON

Idiot. How you think I caught up with you? You got turned around. Main road ain’t but a stone’s throw away. All that book learning, but still.  Goddamn fool.

JUPITER

Samson! Dear God, you’re burning up! I’m going to get you back home. I just need to remember. Like Hercules said. The moss –

METHOD

The north side. Moss grows on the north side of a tree.

REDD

Not that you need worry about none of that no more. We know how to get you back home.

LILLIAN METHOD

My name is Lillian, but most everyone calls me Method. The gentleman to your left, aiming a musket at your feverish companion, is my associate, Arch Porter. Say hello, Arch.

ARCH

Ugly business, slave hunting. But a man’s got to make a living. Please don’t think –

METHOD

Arch.

ARCH

Hello.

METHOD

And the burly, redheaded woman holding the blade to your back, that’s my partner, Gertrude.

REDD

Ain’t never had much use for my Christian. You can call me Redd.

METHOD

Of course, we’re here to return you to your owner. And on that note, thanks: If not for your soliloquy, we might have missed you.

REDD

Believe that’s what the learned folk call “fortuitous.”

METHOD

Indeed, dearest.

JUPITER

Look, Miss – Method? I don’t know who you think we are, but –

METHOD

I think you’re a “red-haired mulatto aged nineteen,” while your friend is a “darker black buck of sturdy build.” That is: just the lads we were sent to find, and it’s a bit insulting that you’d try to convince me otherwise. Don’t insult me, Jupiter.

JUPITER

But if you’ll just hear me out! Back there! Something’s wrong back in that town –

REDD

Well, ain’t we just fortuitous that we’re not heading back there.

METHOD

Indeed. Now, be a good lad and hold out your hands so Gertrude can fit those manacles. If your friend doesn’t stop moaning, we’ll have to gag him, but if you’re quiet, you can avoid his fate.

JUPITER

You don’t understand! This blight! They’re rabid! One bit Samson! We have to –

METHOD

I did try to be magnanimous.

REDD

You always do, love.

METHOD

Bind and gag the two of them.

ARCH

This one might not make it. Fever and all.

METHOD

So we’ll make haste and get them back before he expires. Binds and bridles, Arch. I’ll go fetch the wagon.

ROAD TO MONTICELLO

METHOD

I swear by Nature and Nature’s God, boy, if you won’t be silent, you’ll make a roadside feast for the buzzards while we tell your master we could only find your friend.

REDD

And I’ll snip your half-blood bollocks afore we’re done with ya; see if it’s true mulattos got one black ball and one white.

ARCH

Redd, that’s absurd.

REDD

What? I heard it out west, Arch. I swear. You recall that surgeon –

ARCH

Redd, for the love of Christ –

REDD

The one we took all them dead savage bodies to. He said the blacks and the savages got bigger balls, all animalistic-like. And he said the insides match the outsides. And if you mix them –

METHOD

Redd. Gertrude. Dearest – and you, too, Arch – Might not the two of you let silence reign these last few miles?

REDD

I was only saying that, with a white father? Black or red mother? It’d make sense that –

REDD

Quiet, you!

ALLELLA

To Method’s chagrin, Redd and Porter only managed about an hour of silence.

MONTICELLO

ALLELLA

Fortunately for her, they soon arrived at Monticello. As they approached the estate’s outer perimeter, an overeager overseer spotted them, delegated his charge to the nearest slave, and sped off on horseback to inform Jefferson of their arrival. Redd, Method, and Arch continued on, curious slaves stopping to gawk and tag along. By the time Jefferson emerged from the main house to meet them, they had drawn a crowd.

SLAVE BYSTANDER 1

Bet that yella boy got timid and snitched.

SLAVE BYSTANDER 2

Ain’t even make it two steps before you started itching for wine and big words with Massa, ain’t that right, Nameless?

METHOD

That’s enough of that. You lot want to handle the boy yourselves, and that’s just fine. Just wait until we’ve got cash in hand. Try anything before that, and well…

REDD

Gaggle of willful types you got tilling your fields, Jefferson.

JEFFERSON

Think not for a moment that their impertinence slipped my sight. Back to work, all of you, lest you pass the night with empty bellies!

JEFFERSON

Now, on to happier matters. I’m told the shepherds have retrieved a pair of wayward sheep.

REDD

Billygoats is more like it, for all the bleating they done. The blacker buck –

METHOD

Samson, I believe you call him. He was injured prior to our apprehending him. It worsened during our trip and – to spare all of our sanities – we gagged him to muffle his moaning.

REDD

And the mulatto was chattering about rabid folk –

METHOD

Some imagined horrors preceding their capture. We gagged him as well. I suspect some fever has racked his faculties, but you will note that we’ve delivered both fugitives whole and alive. Now, as to the matter of our pay –

JEFFERSON

Has she the right of it, Jupiter? Are you yet addled by some persistent calenture?

ARCH

His main concern, Mister Jefferson, has been his companion. As to Samson’s wound –

REDD

Stinks to high Heaven, it does. Probably lose that foot. Keep him from running again, at least –

ARCH

Redd, please. Now , I’m no proper physic, but if you’ve the means to bleed him –

JEFFERSON

Our physician is away. I suppose Samson will do penance this night. You there!

MALE SLAVE

Yessuh?

JEFFERSON

Convey Samson to the slave quarters. See that he receives light punishment and have someone prepare a poultice for that abscess.

MALE SLAVE

Yessuh!

METHOD

Not to belabor the matter, but regarding our pay –

JEFFERSON

I’d intended to discourse on that matter presently. At the moment, I am – how to put it? – Rather illiquid. If you three would but tarry until the morrow –

METHOD

Jefferson, our contract stipulated –

JEFFERSON

Of course, of course! And I intend to make good. I have another guest tonight with whom I’ve impending business. Once we’ve reified that transaction, you can expect remuneration tout suite!

REDD

Bunch of big words, but you look like you’re offering an IOU. You better make good, Jefferson.

JEFFERSON

Sesquipedalian as my supplication might be –

REDD

What you call me?

JEFFERSON

I promise! Madam please, there’s no need to produce knives. I was just saying I promise. You’ve my word, I assure you. Now, if there’s nothing else –

ARCH

Sir, I believe the lad’s injury –

JEFFERSON 

Doubtless a passing matter. The Negro, you see, is made of sturdy stuff. Where he wants for mental acuity, he abounds in fortitude. Samson will be fine. Meanwhile, tonight, we’ll have fine wine to drink and finer linens to rest on. All the while, our returned prodigal, Jupiter, shall entertain us. Isn’t that right, Jupiter?

JUPITER

(Protests fiercely through gag)

JEFFERSON

Exactly. He’s a fine specimen. A tribute to his race. But where was I? Ah, yes – the Negro. Though distasteful, their bondage is necessary for their betterment. Imagine, if you will, the Negro some decades hence…

MONTICELLO DINING ROOM

FRANKLIN

Have to admit the contradiction, Thomas. You speak of making this continent into – how did you call it? It was something hopelessly lyrical –

JEFFERSON

An Empire of Liberty.

FRANKLIN

Yes, there it is. Seductive and sonorous, those words. Silky, even. But one might as well wipe one’s ass with said silk if that empire – 

(burps)

Er … where was I?

FIONA

You were deriding the notion of an Empire of Liberty founded on bondage.

FRANKLIN

Yes, Fiona! Now, Thomas—

FIONA

Though if you ask me—

KAINE

Not that anyone did.

FIONA

I’d be interested to hear Jupiter’s thoughts on the matter.

JEFFERSON

Jupiter’s thoughts? Miss Pratt, I’m afraid you’ve—

FIONA

Well he’s delighted us all this eve on the pianoforte, has he not? Might we not free him from that inhuman bridle gag.

FRANKLIN

Oh Yes, Fiona! You squeeze a delectable grape, Thomas. The wine bested me for a moment. Pour me another, would you?

FIONA

Given that you’ve only just recovered from your most recent gout attack, sir, might I advise you against another glass? Your attacks do come on fast, so why risk further agony?

FRANKLIN

Yes, Fiona, the gout is indeed hell. And having just walked through hell, I see no need to start stepping lightly.

JEFFERSON

I see your point, Ben, and – sometime after we’ve resolved this conflict with the Crown – I’d imagine large-scale manumission is inevitable, but –

KAINE

Inevitable? Heaven forfend! You would saddle us by letting the blacks live among us?

JEFFERSON

Among us? No. We’d doubtless send them off –

KAINE

If that’s your thinking, Jefferson, it’s a blessing that I came here.

FIONA

And why did you come here exactly, Carmela?

FRANKLIN

Fiona.

KAINE

I’d come intending to add a portion of Jefferson’s bondsmen to my own holdings, Miss Pratt. Seeing now that he aims to unleash them among us –

JEFFERSON

I’ve no intention of them living among us!

KAINE

I’m almost of a mind to purchase all of his human capital, thus sparing civilization from his folly.

FIONA

So you traveled here alone, carrying enough money to buy – how many slaves?

KAINE

Alone? Hardly. My coachman dines as we speak with my intended purchases. As to traveling with currency, well – You’ll never be in a position to confirm this, Miss Pratt, but when you reach a certain level of wealth, you need not carry large sums on you, as your word carries its weight in gold. I came to inspect Jefferson’s merchandise, and I’ve found them to my liking. Funds will be exchanged in the future.

JEFFERSON

I’m sorry, am I to understand you’ve brought no funds with you? Not even enough for a down payment, perhaps? It’s just that I’m rather illiquid at the moment, and I’d intended to use a portion of the proceeds to pay –

METHOD

Pardon, I was distracted for a second, now did I mishear, or 

REDD

You heard right. 

(Burps)

You serve a fine steak, Jefferson. Wine’s good, too. Still gonna cut you if you don’t pay up, but the wine’s pretty damn good.

JEFFERSON

I assure you, my friends, I – Madam Kaine, not even a bit of pocket-- 

(Sighs)

Let me think. Jupiter, God damn it, play something else so I can think!

ARCH

Forgive my interjection, sir, but speaking of Jupiter, I’m reminded of Samson. I was wondering if maybe –

METHOD

Forget the slave, Arch. We need to get paid.

REDD

Ain’t no wine left in this bottle. Hey, Ben, pass me the one you just opened!

ARCH

But, sir, if I may – the boy’s abscess –

JEFFERSON

Of course! Madams Redd and Method, you’re in possession of a prison wagon.

REDD

Oh, this wine is fantastic!

JEFFERSON

Madam Kaine, you’ve already decided which of my slaves you’d like to buy. Why not load those slaves into Redd and Method’s wagon, whereupon they travel to Manassas with you? Once there, you can pay them their fee out of our settled price. Then they return the remainder to me here!

METHOD

Our agreement didn’t include ferrying funds for you.

JEFFERSON

And what if I threw in a bonus of, say, fifteen percent?

REDD

You throw in some of them steaks, a few crates of wine, we’ll bring your money back.

JEFFERSON

Done.

ARCH

Sir, not to belabor the point, but –

JEFFERSON

Oh, for God’s sake, fine! Go examine Samson to your heart’s content! Sleep among the slaves for all I care! Gideon!

GIDEON

Sir?

JEFFERSON

Escort Mister Arch to the slave quarters or wherever he wants to go! Just so long as he’s out of here!

FRANKLIN

Thomas?

JEFFERSON

What?

FRANKLIN

Let’s get that muzzle off Jupiter, eh? The boy’s learned his lesson, and I’ve a mind to challenge him over the chessboard.

JEFFERSON

I’d make a better opponent. Aside from two early wins as he was learning the game, I’ve beaten him every time.

FRANKLIN

A fact I take to mean that the transitive property is well within your blindspot.

JEFFERSON

What’s that?

FRANKLIN

Nothing, dear Thomas. Madam Redd, might you have the key to that apparatus? Come, Jupiter. Tell me, have you tried out the Ruy Lopez as I suggested last time?

SLAVE QUARTERS

GIDEON

Mister Porter, sir, they’re expecting me back in the kitchen, so if you’ll grant – 

ARCH

Hopefully, I won’t be too long, and – Good lord, I can smell the wound from here!

GIDEON

Mister Porter, sir, this doesn’t feel right. They look scared, and – 

ARCH

Of course they’re scared. Do you hear his breathing? Ragged as a consumption patient. They likely fear your insufferable fop of a master will blame them if the boy dies. Make way, let me examine – My God, he’s scalding to the touch! How long has he been spasming so? And why has no one removed the bridle? 

GIDEON

They don’t have a key, sir. 

ARCH

The mechanism’s simple enough, it’s just – Bugger it. Who has a nail?

ARCH

My holy God! Someone help me hold him down!

ARCH

Agh! My Arm! Oh no. Oh God no. Gideon, wait! 

PALE COLUMBIA STUDIO HEADQUARTERS 

ALOYSIUS

The night is deepening, and the blight is rising at Monticello, so we hope you’ll join us next time. We’ll pick up right where we left off with the next episode of … Pale Columbia.